This Shockwave game takes me back to my youth...sort of. I guess if was Jewish, I may have ended up getting the Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Rabbis for my barmitzvah!

The Periodic Table of Condiments!!

3 H Hollandaise 1 day

4 B Butter 1.5 months

5 Mw Miracle Whip 3 months

6 Hu Hummus 1 week

There a great list of life's little lessons over at Bad News Hughes weblog...I damned near fell off my couch reading them! Some are a funny "yeah, I did that too" kind of funny...and some are a funny "yeah, I learned that the hard way too" kind of funny. Here's a selection:

Should you ever decide to use bamboo sticks and stretchy, decorative string that’s designed to wrap presents to make a bow and arrow, and should you decide to wad up a bunch of duct tape on the end of your arrow and soak it with WD-40 so it’ll, you know, burn better, I would recommend not shooting the flaming arrow onto the roof of a house, or into the lap of your friend’s cousin. Even by accident.

If someone passes out on the couch and you want to put them in a figure-four leglock, ensure that the hold is correctly applied before they wake and fuck your goddamn knee all up.

You should never put a string of lit Black Cat firecrackers in someone’s back pocket while they’re on stage playing bass guitar with their band. Even if they fucked your knee up by reversing the figure-four on you that one time. And even if you crack up at just the idea of someone with their pants are on fire jumping up and down and spinning around and around like a dog chasing its tail while trying to figure out what’s going on. Yup, someone could get their ass burned, so it’s wrong. Despite the fact that shit is really, really funny.

You better ask before you try and stick your finger up there.

If, while chugging a beer, the phrase, “I bet this is going to be the last coherent thought I have tonight,” runs through your head, get someone to take you home. Now.

Sure, she’s good-lookin’. She’s also crazy. Crazy as a shithouse rat. Run for your life.


You might not be able to remember it, but if you wake up the next day with a bloody nose, no money, barf all over your jeans and a finger or two smelling like poontang then you had a good night.


Always look behind you before you make that first cast. That boat may be smaller than you think. And Jim Marburger’s dad might be taking up more space than you think, too.

Dungeons and Dragons never goes away. Girls will still sense that shit 20 years later.

Common Name: Silicone Macaque Scientific Name: Macaca mammarae giganticus Geographical Range: Throughout United States and Canada Age: mid 20s-30s Description: One of nature's ugliest primates, the Silicone Macaque has an overdeveloped musculature that is surprisingly not as strong as it appears. This is due to the massive quantities of illegal steroids it ingests that also cause it to piss blood.

From the achingly funny pages of the Freekwatchers Textbook.

Team up some freshly blessed wafers with Cheesus Industries soon to be released Port Wine Cheesus™ and you've got a communion that's delicious AND nutritious! Too bad it's just a spoof...

"I am still really in shock," Knupp said during an interview this morning. "It is quite an honor. I'm very proud. I didn't really expect it." Bow ye lowly mortals before the all-powerful Iowa Pork Queen! Mmmmmm! Pork... To (mis)quote the Dune movie, "she who controls the pork, controls the universe!"

Tons more hilarious comix available over at wulffmorgenthaler.com

Children's games like this one may explain the generally high rate of teen suicide in Japan.

What better cover for a terrorist than to pose as a harmless gnome until the time comes to strike?" the CIA source asks. "You can pass a garden gnome hundreds of times and never suspect that a human heart beating with hate lies within."

Who would have ever thought that you would one day be able to have a picture of Polish guys break-dancing at the Vatican in front of the Pope without resorting to Photoshop? "Artistic talent is a gift from God and whoever discovers it in himself has a certain obligation: to know that he cannot waste this talent, but must develop it," John Paul said. Word up Holy Father!

Anybody wondering what I want for my upcoming birthday should note this cool as hell Pez-like Labatt's beer dispenser...

These guys are definately my first choice in dried ostrich meat snacks Once consumers try OSTRIM Meat Sticks, they will purchase them over and over again, because they are available in popular flavors, convenient, portable and taste great! Portable? Moreso than a whole ostrich I'd guess...unless it was well trained. It would probably go well with nice can of wine.

With the new random sender/subject generators they've been using, I've almost started enjoying scanning my spam folder for false positives! I had a real gem today sent from "Felch Chess" with the subject "As Seen On Oprah". It got me to thinking about the rules that would be involved in Felch Chess...and that running through my brain will probably ruin the rest of my day.

But, at least it got that damned Dean scream out of my head...for about a minute...until I realized that a scream like that would probably be involved in any game of Felch Chess played. My day is ruined.

Of course, all of this is only really funny if you know what "felching" is...and unfortunately I do.

Picturing Oprah interviewing the players and then trying the game out herself is enough to really put you off your lunch! But I can actually picture her doing it...hell it can't be half the disaster that her failed Broadway play with Boy George was...

"Some three years ago, I was alone with Michael Jackson in a recording studio and I told him that if he would let me I would hypnotize him," Geller told the radio network. "He said, 'OK, let's give it a try."'

Geller said he asked Jackson about persistent rumors he had abused children.

"He answered me under deep hypnosis that he had never touched a child in a sexual way. He said - and here I'm using his exact words - 'My relations with children are very beautiful,"' Geller said.

So sayeth self-proclaimed "psychic" Uri Geller. Of course, maybe Geller did some inappropriate things which Jackson was hypnotized and they're just covering for each other?

Geller said he was convinced Jackson was telling him the truth.

"I'm a good hypnotist and I know who is trying to mislead me. I can see straight into the subject's eyes. Michael didn't fool me - I'm absolutely sure of it."

Not. good. Enough.

Saddam's Hole May Be Destroyed

I suppose they'd best put him in solitary then. OH! That hole...

I've always maintained that Philadelphia sports fans are among some of the biggest assholes in the world...and this is just more fuel for the fire!

One of the boys, apparently the one who isn’t an Eagles fan, was wrestled into the basement by the other four. Using a hammer, they nailed the victim’s shirt and pants to exposed studs in the basement, police said.

Don't get me wrong, most Eagles fans I know in my area are fine people, but the closer you get to Philthydelpia itself...the worse they get. Wearing clothing and rooting for the opposing team at a Philly home game is practically an invitation for a fight. A female friend of mine was down for a game this year and some huge dude was throwing food and ice at the back of her head because she was wearing a Steelers coat...just inexcusable.

No picture I could post, no words I could use can describe the epileptic trance inducing hideousness of Dolphin Dash...I played it for some time though!

Russia has sent in the army to bolster a week-long struggle to rescue 10 tons of beer trapped under Siberian ice...when a week-long effort to cut a 100 yard corridor to the river bank to pull the truck to dry land failed when the vehicle was swept away from the rescue site. I hope we have enough military personnel stateside right in case this happens here! The beer can graphic is from the stupifyingly slow server at the http://exussrbeercans.narod.ru/...

---

Update: beer saved! To be sold at discount! There is much rejoicing!

If it's not bizarre enough that Winston Churchhill's pet parrot is still alive at the age of 104, it is also still taking after it's previous owner by calling out "F*** Hitler" and "F*** the Nazis" and swearing profusely.

James Humes, an expert on the late PM, said: "Churchill may no longer be with us but that spirit and those words of defiance and resolve continue."

If that sort of language is to be considered "defiance and resolve", we now know what historic figure some of our erstwhile Democratic candidates are emulating!

Use your net gun to prevent young boys from escaping Neverland Ranch and contacting the authorities. Escape from Neverland is amusing for five minutes.

The second entry on the Brillo Pad FAQ page gives us the lowdown...Brillo pads are not kosher! Damn! I was going to serve them as appetizers for some Jewish friends! If they meet the Halal maybe I'll save them for my muslim friends...

(Via Off on a Tangent)

Since I use quite a few portable items (laptop, digital camera, etc.) and having at one time raced electric remote controlled race cars competitively - I found the reading at Battery University quite interesting. I knew quite a bit about Nickle Cadmium cells already (in fact, they only cover the SC style cells in the tutorial and never mention SCR style cells) from my racing days but I learned a lot about Nickle Metal Hydride cells (which I use in my camera) and Lithium-Ion cells (typical laptop battery). If you own any of these devices and are a big honkin' geek like me...these pages are a must read.

I also ran across this cool emergency flashlight with a 25+ year shelf life. It gains that shelf life from not having an electrolite added until usage. You can use basically any liquid...they even suggest urine. A urine powered flashlight? They could make it quite a bit more comfortable to use by combining it with one of these (NSFW)!!

THANK YOU MOM FOR NOT BLOWING YOURSELF UP
by Frank J.

Mom, you've always been there for me,
Whether with band-aid in hand or bail money.
And though that may not seem like some great feat,
I now appreciate that you never blew up across some street.

And though it angered me you wouldn’t buy me a sugary cereal,
At least you never sought revenge against Israel.
Instead you were there to tuck me in at night,
Not running out the door strapping on dynamite.

Though I did once try to goad you
When I broke a vase and blamed it on a Jew,
But you were too smart for that
And knew the culprit was my bat.

Now I don't remember to call every weekend and take it for granted
That the plight of the Palestinians never made you murderously disenchanted.
I just hope that the relationship between us has not corroded,
So know I love you, Mom, and am glad you're not exploded.

Zachary Tutin, a 14-year-old from north Manchester, has been made the subject of an anti-social behaviour order which prohibits him from using the word "grass" at any time in England and Wales until 2010.

A clear victory for freedom of speech!

According to the article this kid sounds like a right nasty little bastard but, rather than actually punish him, they've done something utterly ridiculous...I'll bet he's laughing his ass off about this on a daily basis. If I were selecting the punishment for him, his ass would be *****.

The three entered the restaurant before daybreak Wednesday, wearing only shoes and hats. They left their car running so they could make a quick escape.

But the streakers watched through the windows as a man who had been eating inside the restaurant drove off in their car.

(Note to self: Shoes, hat AND car keys if you ever try this!)

There are times when one has to question whether or not The French are far, far ahead of us technologically. It is painfully obvious to me from this entry on eBay France (I've also mirrored the page here) that they must have vastly superior tin foil hat technology since they are producing them in such quanitities as to be able to outfit their pets as well as their populace!

A BERLIN engineer eaten by a man he met on the internet had previously offered up to 5000 German marks to a former lover to bite off his penis.

Melissa Mouse is the mascot over at PlayMouse, a "furry" site full of not safe for work, home or just about anywhere material. I didn't register for a username so I could only view the thumbnails but, just like most furry sites, their obsession with cartoony, animal sex just sort of creeps me out. If you're not familiar with furries, here's a a furry FAQ that should scare the bejebus out of you! And, if that ain't scary enough, check out this page I archived last January from FurBid (a furry auction site). Just plain creepy!

I hadn't checked out the Weebl and Bob Flash cartoons in a while and there's a whole mess of new ones since the last time I linked there. The newest one (where Bob needs a post-holiday diet) ends up leaving Weebl's "ring" feeling sore. If you've never seen them and have some time to blow hit the archives and view them all. They're generally amusing and download pretty speedily even on a dialup. A great way to waste a day if you need to!

Danville borough council is looking to tear down the "beer caves," a series of tunnels dug into a hillside for cold storage at a brewery.

Maybe I'll try to grab some pics of these before they're gone...they used to be a great place to hang when I was a kid!

I'm sure most of you saw the news that Madonna is endorsing Wesley Clark for the Dimocratic presidential nomination (if not, here's a link) but I doubt any of you have seen seen these campaign posters. They are not even remotely work or kid safe so viewer discretion is advised!

What Classic Movie Are You?

A gaggle of cool math puzzles.

Boy ends up stuck inside toy machine. What else can I say about this one?

Yes, that is actually a stuffed chick with a lightbulb coming out of it's ass...a Chilean artist is producing art that is actually taxidermy gone horribly wrong

"You don't need a couple of Whoppers. You are too fat. Pull ahead."

Absolutely the best practical joke I've seen in a long time! Scenario: man goes on vacation and has a friend "known for large-scale strangeness" apartment sit. The result? He arrives home to find his apartment covered in tin foil. Walls, ceiling, furninture, appliances (still usable), Cd's (wrapped so they still opened), the change on his bookshelf (individually wrapped) and even the toilet paper (unrolled, covered and re-rolled). A portrait of his girlfriend, the bed and a bath mat were among the only items left undisturbed - along with his copy of Penn and Teller's "Cruel Tricks for Dear Friends". Classic.