GARY: I won't drive outside 25 miles to visit girls anymore. Why should you spend money on plane tickets or gasoline to go see someone flaky? You pretty much blew it when you forgot her name. I'm sure there's a slut a lot closer to you so you can get some tail. Obviously, you weren't interested in her since you forgot her name. You just wanted her body. Move on. This chapter of the overactive male libido is closed.

Funniest. Advice. Column. Ever!

Gary Coleman has his own advice column on the net - and it kicks some serious ass! It's refreshing to not have to read candy-coated platitudes - for a little guy, he stands tall and tells it like it is!

From the "some people are just really fucked up" file: did you know that there are people who are sexually attracted to cars? Yes, as in they want to have sex with cars. There's even a decent beginner's guide to the practice. Creepy! It's called Objectum Sexuality and involves people who become sexually stimulated by objects. Some even go as far as marrying objects, like Mrs. Eija-Riitta Eklöf-Berliner-Mauer whose last name translates as "Berlin Wall." It must have been a tragic loss when they tore down here husband! Just plain weird...

The "Man in Black" turned 70 on Tuesday - quite a feat for someone who was told he would be dead years ago. In fact, he has stated that he is feeling great and would like to begin performing again. That kicks ass! I don't think there is any other performer on the face of this planet I'd be more excited to go see in person. Like Bono from U2 says about him, "Every man knows he is a sissy compared to Johnny Cash."

Rev. Brian adds : Johnny Cash is a god amongst mortal men... In his upcoming album alongside more standard rock fare like John Lennon's "Imagine" and Simon and Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Water," Cash will tackle Nine Inch Nails' "Hurt." Hurt is possibly the single most depressing song I've ever heard and a 3bruces favorite. This is gonna be great!!! (3rd item)

Attention international travellers! At last someone has assembled a foreign phrasebook that would really be useful in everyday conversations in German, French and Spanish - here are a few that could have come in useful when I visited the Olde Countrie:

The bellboy won't score me any coke.	Le groom refuse de me procurer un petit peu de came. El mozo se niega a venderme cocaína. Der Page will mir kein Koks bringen.
Could I see some merchandise that the rats haven't found?	J'aimerais voir de la marchandise que les rats n'auraient pas touché. ¿Puede mostrarme mercadería que los ratas aún no hayan tocado? Könnte ich irgendeine Ware sehen, an der die Ratten nicht dran waren?
I know I'm naked, could you just tell me how to get back to the hotel?	Je le sais bien que je suis à poil; je veux simplement savoir comment rentrer à l'hôtel. Ya se que estoy calato; sólo quiero saber cómo volver al hotel. Ich weiss, dass ich nackt bin; könnten sie mir vielleicht einfach sagen, wie ich wieder zurück zum Hotel komme?
We kicked your ass in World War II.	Nous déclinons dépuis la Deuxième Guerre Mondiale et j'en suis la preuve. Mi país entró en decadencia después de la Segunda Guerra Mondial y yo soy prueba de ello. Wir haben seit dem Zweiten Weltkrieg ganz schön nachgelassen, und ich bin der Beweis dafür.

(via BoingBoing)

Join Little Billy and his family as they spend A Day at Auschwitzland! Some truly tasteless and offensive humor from folks over at the Church of the Subgenius which is prefaced by the statement: this story is EXTREMELY sick. Don't read it.

A businessman in Berlin has launched a rent-a-sheep service for city dwellers to get a taste of the country.

Mr Portmann told the paper: "The price is negotiable. Some people bring a sack of animal feed, some give money but the main thing is they enjoy being with the animals."

Yeah, I know, this whole thing looks innocent enough but somehow I can't help but think that there is a seemy, dark side to this story that no one is talking about!

It seems that ESPN and Bud Light are sponsoring a Quarter Bouncers Tournament! They've even put up a nice Virtual Quarters Game for you to practice on. I got 25 in on my third try - not bad?

Enron has updated their voicemail system and it is worth a listen!

I still have not been able to locate a German Olympic hockey jersey (XXL please, and my eternal gratitude to anyone who locates one for me!) I, however, did manage to find this gorgeous Buffalo Bisons hockey jersey from the now defunct 70's minor league team. Decisions, decisions...

"How to Enlarge Your Penis" (Ouch, I say! Ouch!!) (Oh yeah, if you're an idiot I'd like to say that this is NOT work safe. If you're not an idiot, carry on!)

Ozzy Osbourne in his own reality TV show based around his own family? Too cool!

Have you ever asked yourself, what if video game characters were used to create Cold War era Civil Defense films? Well, even if you haven't, check out Duck and Cover because someone else thought about it for you. Really nicely done piece of work!

Make plans to be part of the biggest paintball game ever. Mark your calendars, set your schedule, sign up quick. August 31, 2002 will be a historical date in the annals of Paintball history. It will be on that date that thousands of players will gather near Chicago at Challenge Park Xtreme to play the ultimate scenario game with the ultimate Captain. This scenario will see three teams wrestling for control of mythical items (such as Thor's Hammer, The Holy Grail, Excalibur, etc…) and magical places (including the city of Bedlam, the Jungle of Doom, Fort Courage and Armegeddon).

And the big news? One of the three teams is going to be led into battle by none other than William Shatner! As long as you aren't wearing a red shirt, I guess that would be pretty cool...

The Guardian has a nice little quiz online to determine if your intelligence dictates a higher salary than what you are currently receiving. What did it say about me?

It's official. Your IQ is significantly more powerful than the average for your salary bracket. Demand a pay rise while you still have your faculties.

Tell me something I didn't already know! A bit of advice for when you go there, it's going to ask for your income in British pounds. The exchange rate today is 1.43149 pounds to the dollar (divide your income in dollars by 1.43149 to get pounds.) If you aren't British or American, check out X-Rates to find the exchange rate you need.

Which Firearm are you? brought to you byStan Ryker

Ever wonder what death row inmates order for their last meals? Nah, me neither! But anywho, Texas has compiled a listing of last meal requests that really is kinda interesting. It surprised me that cheeseburgers, fried eggs and friend chicken were so damned popular! And to drink? Why milk and Dr. Pepper seem to be the big faves there (no alcohol allowed, the bastards!)

Pretend you're an extra in the movie The Deer Hunter by playing a little Russian Roulette. I must warn you though, prepare yourself for some extreme cartoon violence and please do not use ANY sort of prop you find around the house to make the game more "realistic"!!

I am A Floater . Floaters, the free birds of the shit family. Floaters drift through life without a care in the world, taking everything with a grain of salt, and smiling the whole way though. But friends of floaters are far and few in between. Because of there lofty views and social behavior, floaters tend to seem like they just don't give a damn about anything, the reason being, because they usually don't. What Kinda Shit Are You?

A nicely done history of Valentine's Day courtesy of the History Channel.

Whomever gave the Lake Superior State University the authority to "banish" words from the English language is beyond me but, damn, they are doing a bang up job of identifying exactly the sort of verbal baggage I'd like to see excised from our vernacular! This year's list includes "disenfranchise", "friendly-fire", "reality tv" and a gamut of other over-used and non-sensical detritous that is jamming our national lexicon these days.

3bruces reader Maxine gave us heads up on a cool (literally) radio station promo that is worth a look. KBCO in Colorado challenges it's listeners to build sleds using nothing but cardboard and duct tape and then holds a sled race. A massive Jägermeister bottle, the Enola Gay, a huge litter box, a Lego castle (full of Lego people), a pirate ship, a SPAM can (manned by Vikings natch), the Yellow Submarine and the inevitable General Lee - take a look, it really is worth it!

Sweet! They have an archive of all the graphics they use on the sides of U-Haul trucks (you know, the one's commemorating each state.) What's really impressive is that they also provide historic information on the graphic, wallpaper for your computer, a printable page to color (sometimes) and other crap too. Just plain nifty since I never knew what they were using for the state I live in and the launching of the Lewis and Clark expedition was a bit of a surprise.

Well, the inevitable has happened. An irate Raiders fan has put up a website to protest the outcome of the playoff game with the Patriots - referring to the incident as Snowjob 2002. Pretty cute. The site, of course, states that they will "never quit until the NFL admits it mistake." Yeah buddy, right. I'm a huge Buffalo Sabres fan and there USED to be a site at www.nogoal.com protesting the "winning" goal in 1999 Stanley Cup. Past tense. Life goes on...

Rev. Brian : Where is the website for the Olympic figure skating controversy?

Whilst trowling through our referrer logs today I found a search request for the phrase "Who were the Bruces?" This person was, of course, probably looking for information on the descendants of Robert the Bruce but, ahem, we were the top result nudging out the official historical site of the British Royal Family. Of course, being part of the British Royal Family is 20% better than being stoned to death though - a statistic that has probably improved drastically over the past few hundred years!

A wonderful collection of stamps bearing anti-American imagery can be found at this site, including the one at the right celebrating the first anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. This provides an interesting look at how other societies view us.

Leave it to the Canadian Broadcasting Company to come up with a fantastic Flash animation covering the basic rules of hockey. Now I'll only have to explain this stuff to people who are so lame they don't understand hockey OR the internet.

Which is Better? is a nifty which allows you two type in two words or phrases and then it searches the net and compares the number of entries for each to determine which is "better". Unfortunately for us, it seems that it is 99% better to be stoned to death than to view our website. Of course, I'd always suspected something of the sort.

Everyone knows you can send money through the internet but now, thanks to the geniuses over at Brunching Shuttlecocks, you can donate oral sex to needy recipients! With Valentine's Day coming up and my birthday arriving next month I'm feeling a bit extra needy...

I'm glad to see that scientists all over the world are working together to make the future a brighter place to live. Austrailian researchers have proposed that frequent oral sex may help women to have less complications during pregnancy due to increased immune functions caused by, ahem, swallowing sperm. Life is good.

Rotten.com has posted the winners of this year's Decrepit Snow Sculpture Awards. Not exactly work safe. Can you say anatomically exagerrated?

And, while I'm at it with the NSFW links, I somehow ended up clicking a link to the Dildoll site the other day and couldn't really think of context in which to post it. I still haven't but it's worth a look just for amusement's sake, there's something about people dressing up stuffed, plush penises in leather harnesses that just defies my logic. You can sell anything on the net.

This news story about how Canadian taxpayers are about to spend $6,500 to remove a large swastika tattooed on the stomach of a federal prisoner got me to thinking about one of the absolute best movies I've ever seen. If you've never watched American History X get a bunch of friends together and give it a view - the friends are for the inevitable discussion you're going to want to have afterwards concerning this absolutely unforgettable piece of work.

This extremely small Flash download (less than 30k) will certainly come in handy - I wonder if I could bulk e-mail it to every AOL user there is?!

Lunch, as per usual, consisted of bagel Eaten with cream cheese and lox at my table I peruse profit margins with my peering eye and spill luncheon goop on my newly-bought tie. Too bad this blog, written in the style of Dr. Suess, doesn't have more entries - it's rather entertaining! And while I'm on the subject of "celebrity written" blogs I should mention my all-time favorite Bloggus Caesari, the personal blog of Julius Caesar! And there's another blog, reportedly featuring the writing talents of A. A. Milne which might explain why Pooh went apeshit...

CNN has James Earl Jones. Saturday Night Live has Don Pardo. Comedy Central has Penn Jillette. Now MSNBC has its own signature voice man, and he’s a doozy: Dee Snider, the former lead singer of the heavy metal band Twisted Sister.

I thought that voice sounded familiar!

A whimsical Happy Tree Friends Valentine for you all! Warning: this is only funny if you happen to be a sick, demented individual with a twisted sense of humor like my own. Oh yeah, and while you're over there take a look at the Al Qaeda Training Video they threw together - I nearly wet meself viewing that one!

The wackos over at Joe Cartoon have been busy since 9/11!! The Osama Bin Laden Sissyfight is pretty funny (especially if you're familiar with the old Joe Cartoon standards like Frog Bender 2000 and Micro Gerbil 2001 specifically) but I think the Last Video of Osama Bin Laden is just hilarious!

No doubt about it, you bloody love space. You know the best way to disable a cyberman is by rubbing gold into his chestplate, you know the names of all the Ewoks, you know how to say "phasers to stun" in Romulan, but you can't remember where you live. You'll watch any old tosh as long as it's got robots in it, and you will end up married to a goth librarian with the Seal of Rassillon tattooed on her neck. We hope you'll be very happy together. Actually, I don't know any Romulan and can't name any of the Ewoks but I did answer the question about the cybermen correct and any chick who would tattoo the Seal of Rassillon on her can play with my sonic screwdriver anytime she wants! Find out if you are a science fiction fan but be careful, the questions lean heavily towards British produced material rather than American.

Bin Laden Forges Alliance With Pretzels!

Send this link to anyone you know who is color blind - they'll have no idea what you're laughing at!

Totally work safe, unless you are the sort of person who gets all hot and bothered by silicon instead of silicone! DigitalDataPorn has some great pictures of hundreds of different computers and pieces of equipment - it was a real trip down memory lane for me...

At Brown Dog Institute, we research canine taste preferences and formulate our revolutionary dog biscuits accordingly. You've seen "gourmet" dog treats but let's face it, your dog is no pansy. You might prefer cheesecake, but your dog will eat his own vomit.
That's why we developed our five delicious dog snack formulas: Cat Turds, Road Kill, Butt Stink, Rotten Fish and Garbage. All designed with your dog's distinctive tastes in mind. Order any three formulas and receive Free Shipping and, for a limited time, Free Vomit! Read the testimonials from dogs who love 'em if you're not already convinced! Order some for your dog today...

"The Adorable Robot" is the lastest posting over at Post-It Note Theatre which features small "flip book" type animated .GIF movies. Do they still have kids make flip books in school? They can be entertaining or educational - or a combination of both!

"Who could have known that when he was waving his hands around, he was signaling for help?"

Cheering onlookers eventually realized that Greene was no longer moving, and pulled him from between Miss Kane's breasts.

Now Greene's family is suing Miss Kane and the Pretty Kitty for wrongful death.

Done in by 72-DD's, what a way to go! Funniest. Death. Ever. Or at least one of the more embarassing ways to check out. Or a complete hoax, as pointed out by Rev. B.! I suppose if one looks closely at the original article one would notice that the copyright for article was for Yahoo! and Weekly World News!! Yellow journalism, gotta love it!

WTF! Remember the sub that hit a Japanese fishing boat a while back? Well, it was involved in a collision with a Navy transport ship the other day - what's up with that?!

Take the Which Radiohead Album are you? Quiz.

Pablo Honey is my fave Radiohead album anyway, so guess I can live with these results! Actually, I gained a ton of respect for Radiohead when I went to see them open for REM and they didn't play "Creep", which was their biggest hit at the time. It was the one song the audience was screaming their heads off for and they just blew them off. After hearing "Creep" four billion times on the radio, I was much happier to hear "Anyone Can Play Guitar"!!

10 million light years away

View the Milky Way at 10 million light years from the Earth. Then move through space towards the Earth in successive orders of magnitude until you reach a tall oak tree just outside the buildings of the National High Magnetic Field Laboratory in Tallahassee, Florida. After that, begin to move from the actual size of a leaf into a microscopic world that reveals leaf cell walls, the cell nucleus, chromatin, DNA and finally, into the subatomic universe of electrons and protons. Really, really, really cool! Takes a while to load but it is well worth it!

10 fermis away

I'm sure most of you have seen the LegoDeath site that's been floating around recently. If not, it's got some great gory scenes of torture and death created out of Lego blocks. I don't know about you, but if those Lego killers come after me I'll be packing my nine and spraying them with plastic death! I'll be able to look them right in their beady little eyes forever too thanks to Stare Down Sally.

The sickos over at Something Awful have photshopped a bunch of childrens book covers with some truly tasteless and hilarious results. May not be quite work safe. The images are nice storybook covers, the titles are a bit over the edge at points...

As Rev. B. has pointed out, there are definate signs that Doug Flutie and Tiffany's careers are circling the drain but, unlike Phil the Security Guard, at least they HAD a decent career to brag about at one time. We can all be thankful least they haven't sunk to the depths of doing extreme ironing for attention yet. Of course, someday they'll all be just like Crazy Drunk Guy, you just know it...

It's not as cool as Electrotank's mini-golf but this minigolf is pretty fun.