Alright, I held my tongue when green ketchup was introduced but somehow I can see this getting out of hand with the introduction of Heinz' new "Funky Purple" ketchup. Pretty soon you'll be buying large crayon box full of different colored ketchups...

Olive Garden restaurants, like many other Casual Dining locations, were facing a high water incidence rate. They wanted their restaurant crews to emphasize the broad array of alternative beverage selections available, with the hope of reducing tap water incidence.

"Tap water incidence?" It's what the H2NO ("Just say NO to H₂O") program was all about, preventing restaurant customers from having a "dull dining experience" due to ordering tap water with their meal. Why not just walk around with a peppermill full of Extasy tabs, "Say when, sir?"
(link courtesy Fresh Hell)

Dave Gross, a partner with Santa Barbara, Calif.-based Fastclick.com, which sells and serves the ad format for a growing roster of marketers.

"The fact that Yahoo is running (the pop-under) is pretty significant validation of its use," he said.

No Dave, it's a sign that us web users haven't found a way to stop them from fucking loading on our computers you slimeball piece of shit!!! Ahhh! I feel better now...that is, until I find the next one of those unholy, Satan-spawned impositions lurking behind what I *intended* to load.

Have you been thinking about putting yourself up for sale lately? Ever wonder how much money you could get on the open human market? HumanForSale.com will attempt to place a value on your life...

Crap! I missed the Top 20 by over $850,000 but I guess being valued at $2,162,568.00 isn't all that bad...that's what I get for telling the truth...

"Oh what a feeling...Toy Yoda! I am a registered organ donor and I'd gladly contribute half of my humor gland to this woman, she desperately needs it and I think it'll grow back anyway.

As expected, Lance Armstrong won his third straight Tour de France. Way to go Lance! This year also marked the first time in Tour history that the top three positions were the same as the prrevious year - that's impressive and should make for an even better race in 2002.

We here at 3bruces.com (click to go here) are huge fans of the Kids in the Hall and it seems that they have filmed a documentary of their 2000 Tour (how the hell did we miss that?) that will be aired on CBC on September 15th. That means we'll see it here in the US about, uhmmm, never! Just this little clip of them rding in a limo to a gig is an example of what I like about their humor...

As the vehicle begins its two-block journey, Scott invades the limo mini-bar, toasts the occasion with Courvoisier and brings everyone up to date on his scandalous appearance at the Griffin poetry prize gala, wherein he wangled a fake penis at literary lions Margaret Atwood and Anne Michaels.

"But y'know," says Dave, punctuating Scott's story. "The important thing is the smile on the faces of the children."

We wouldn't happen to have a particularly wonderful Canuck reader who would mind taping this little gem for us? C'mon! It's not like we're asking you to tape every hockey broadcast this season, even though just about every commentator, other than Barry Melrose and Darren Pang, sucks down here - on second thought, would you!? No, no - just the Kids Special. Heck, if you live in the Toronto area we'll even pick it up since we're headed up to holiday there around the first week of October. We'll meet you here...

I'm glad the authorities were rather lax around about these parts this evening as I was surely not quite within the bounds of the law on the way home! It was Rev. Brian's b-day celebration and I remember EVERYTHING, including sitting on the double yellow lines in the road outside the bar after it closed, directing traffic around us whilst we consumed warm Jagermeister straight from the bottle and sang along with punk covers of 60's pop tunes blaring from my truck. We had an okay time, really....

Biggest surprise of the night? The bar we went to had a band. They *never* have bands on Fridays. They also usually book the worst bands on the face of the planet because the owner is a tightwad. Tonight they had the most awesome fucking blues quintet you could ask for - absolutely erotic in it's perfection! It's only their second gig but "Adreneline Blue" kicked ass tonight, VERY talented people just waiting to be discovered! We could not have planned a better night if we tried. Nor could we have gotten more drunk the night BEFORE if we tried. Let's attempt to fuck up tonight too and see how that goes....

Brian's 2 cents... I had a blast! I consider myself lucky to have some of the coolest people on the planet as my friends. Thanks Guys, You rock! Perhaps my horrorscope for today came a bit late... "Somewhere in your starcast, there's a Cancer influence urging tact and restraint. The Scorpio Moon pulls you in the direction of rude remarks and inappropriate laughter. Stop it before you go too far. Then again, depending on tonight it may have come just in time? Stay tuned...

Jump Tomorrow has to be one of the cooler Flash designed sites I've seen in quite sometime. Use your arrow keys to walk around a virtual world while using your mouse to find some weird things to play with. Also check out some of Hi-Res's other stuff over at their site. They've done two interesting peices for the official Beatles web site that are kind of cool (you're welcome Addy.)

It's one of my favorite toys and I truly wish I had one. What is it? Why, a cowtapult, of course! I could sit and play Fling the Cow for hours on end...

Fat Barbie Doll Fantasies. I don't know what else to say about this site except that it sounds like a lot more fun that it turns out to be.

Barely out of bed and half asleep yet and I have to be subjected to the Mothers Against Peeing Standing Up website? At least let me have a cup of coffee first, geez...

I'm glad to see that The Onion still hasn't lost it's gift for satire. For your approval, a heart rending story of fair-weather freindship, "Gore Upset That Clinton Doesn't Call Anymore." Along with last week's "Bush Vows To Remove Toxic Petroleum From National Parks" this is some of the nest material they've done in months, it seems they actually have their mojo back - some of us were beginning to wonder...

Stuck in a dead end, go nowhere Bounty Hunter job? Chasing down smugglers for Jabba the Hutt not all you hoped it would be? Uncle Darth wants YOU! Our organization is a galaxy wide government with unlimited growth potential. Our second in command; Darth Vader (Dark Lord of the Sith and mild asthmatic) is in need of an administrative assistant. Responsibilities include, but are not limited to: tracking down Correlian freighters, removing bodies of incompetent Imperial officers "let go" by Lord Vader, screening phone calls from telemarketers (Lord Vader HATES telemarketers) and scratching Darth’s head on the rare occasions when he takes off his helmet.

Somedays even the help wanted classifieds can make you smile!

The check number and social security number have been altered, otherwise this is what the infamous tax rebate checks look like.

This woman claims skipping is not only good exercise but it makes her "feel like a kid again." Hurry! Be the first one in your town to apply and you can be the head skipper and maybe even get your profile posted for the whole world to see. So why jog for your health when you can skip? I would suppose to avoid the severe ass beatings one would get (and deserve) for such behavior...

The Condolezza Rice card pictured here is definately the product of some bad acid and is just one of the many trading cards depicted over at Psychedelic Republicans. The trading card sets are supposedly "sold out" but they've got some really groovy free desktop images for you to stare at during those solo "trips."

A recent study has proven that video games help improve co-ordination and concentration but another study says that video games also are linked to violent behavior. Does anybody but me think this is a really bad combination of skills?

I think it is fairly obvious that a grinder with a cutoff wheel installed and a pair of channel lock pliers are not the preferred tools for removing a video card from a computer, however, covering the resulting hole in the case with duct tape is acceptable. Also, I am nearly 110% sure that when mounting hard drives small screws are the common choice over spot welding.

I am having some difficulty figuring out what is more disturbing about this story. Is it the fact that some guy decided to urinate on a total stranger he found in an aisle at a Lowe's home improvement center? Or is the fact that he walked away and returned and urinated on the guy two more times before security came and apprehended him because the guy didn't even notice it happening?!

"Real, uncensored, hard-core, simulated, sock-cooking action!" - (shamelessly pilfered from The Ultimate Insult.)

Now, in addition to Solarhost's sun-power hosting you will soon be able to get Front 14's white power hosting! They are no longer accepting applications for their free hosting, which only required that the site have a white racialist theme but they are working on becoming a for-pay web hosting service along those same lines. And at $15/month compared to $234/month it seems that white power is even cheaper than solar power. Who would've thought?

I'd think that cigarette companies have enough of an image problem without sending reports to governments detailing the positive economic benefits of smoking related deaths! The report, drawn up for tobacco giant Philip Morris Inc, found that the Czech Republic saved about $147m in 1997 through the deaths of smokers who would not live to use healthcare or housing for the elderly.

I know they're trying to produce a quality show here but this is ridiculous! 15 months until the new season, what the hell have they been doing since they wrapped up the last season?

Another look into the delusional environmentalist files. Solarhost.com is a web hosting service that utilizes photovoltaic cells to power it's web servers. An article over at the Environmental News Network states that "the start-up has offered high-end web-site hosting, design, maintenance and programming at competitive prices." Hmmm. Competetive prices? So, I compared them to our hosting company and what did I find in comparison with what we have now?

	Solarhost.com	Domain-Zone.com
Set-up	$600	Free
Monthly	$234	$8.33
Transfer	1gig	Unlimited

Real competetive guys! That's only a bit over 34 times as much as we pay now (figuring the setup costs across the first twelve months, 28 times as much thereafter.) Maybe when photocell manufacturing costs go down...

The twelve hottest cartoon babes. I honestly don't get the writer's logic on some of them, I'm sorry but Maleficent the Witch from Sleeping Beauty just isn't "hot" nor is the Medusa from "Clash of the Titans." Too each his own I suppose - then again, I don't tend to find cartoon characters to be "hot" under any circumstances...

Eeek! The fourth sign of the apocalypse is upon us! Microsoft is kissing ass!

Did the Hell's Angels do it? It could have been the landlord. Or is it just hoax? We could take the advice of a professional astrologer or a psychic or maybe the answer lies encoded in the Bible? Or is it just a Republican plot to discredit a Democrat and bolster Bush's "dismal approval rating" (which is currently only 12 points higher than Clinton's was at the same point in his presidency.) No! The Democrats framed him because of his conservative views! What about the Mossad? Maybe you can locate her in this aerial photograph.

There are just HOURS of fun to be had over at ChandraLevy.com - a very unofficial clearinghouse for information on the ongoing investigation into her disappearance which bears little resemblance to the staid demeanor of findchandra.org.

My favorite? Where is Ted Kennedy's car right now anyway? Just in case. You check the Potomac, I'll look in the tidal basin...

As a public service for those of you who find that yesterday's Sawstop link would have been a great idea a few seconds ago, here's some advice on how to sew an amputated finger back on.

Heave-Ho! Explosive techniques for when you're straddled or immobilized (The Dr. Ruthless approach to "getting him off!")

Got a few minutes to kill? Want to make those minutes scream in agony? Then head on over to Acmevaporware where you can check out their patented Feng Shui Torpo-Fluxometer, the Acme Vaporizer High Tech CEO Quote Generator and the Acme TorpoLexmatic which will help you name you name your non-existent products (such as the Asymptotic Net-enabled Light Duty 3bruces Loop.) My favorite part though, as evidenced by the pictures, was the TorpOracular Tech-Tarot which had some amusing graphics.

Somehow, I just have trouble envisioning gassing up my laptop because it's powered by a small wankel rotary engine but the power/weight ratio and length of run are quite impressive. Vaporware? Most likely...

If this invention had come out 25 years ago, my high school friend Reed and his guitar would be fronting a top punk band now (or dead of a heroin overdose.) Sawstop detects the difference in conductivity between wood and flesh and stops the blade of a circular saw in about 2 to 5 milliseconds. Check out the video demo - with a hot dog playing the role of someone's finger.

Learn numbers from one to ten in over 4000 languages at this page. Frankly, I'd rather focus on one language and About.com has a wonderful guide to learning German complete with RealAudio examples. Check out their entire German language section for other cool resources.

Listed as a Blog of Note after only seven posts and hailed as "the coolest/funniest BlogSpot blog I've ever come across" on Mefi. What is it? It's a blog consisting of, in my opinion, horribly executed posts attempting to convey episodes of The Jerry Springer Show. Comments please! I personally think it sucks - how do YOU feel?

Visit the homepage of the British Lard Marketing Board

Send this link to everyone you know - they'll love you forever for it.

Too bad we don't live in Austrailia or we'd be putting in a bid on Brucies Diner for sure (link via Sensible Erection.)

Another item for the "those crazy Japanese" files: supposedly inspired by the dire predictions of Nostradamus a Japanese lingerie firm has developed what it calls an Armageddon bra which will alert the wearer to incoming objects. So what's next? Armageddon underwear to alert the wearer to incoming Armageddon Dildos? What a cheap, lousy joke. I should be ashamed. Actually, I'm ashamed that I am not...

This user interface is neat but the work is more suited to game design than a website that is trying to diseminate products and information. I would think that it would PREVENT people from accesing the site rather than assisting them and I thought assisting them was the whole idea. I guess I'm just hopelessly old-fashioned...

I wonder if the Maginot Line is still usable, the French may need it.

Sheesh! Why couldn't gratuitous oral sex have been a fad when I was in middle school?

Put your thinking caps on and send your ideas to What Should I Put On The Fence. It's a nice little blog about a bloke in London who chained his bike to a fence only to have the fence's owners cut the lock and take it away. Now he chains/locks random objects to the fence to annoy them and posts pictures of them chained there, with my favorite being the refigerator door pictured above. The best new idea I've seen so far is for him to chain another fence to theirs but I know you freaks can come up with something better than that!

"This is very dangerous -- look how large those rubber penises are," he said.

Some days the news just makes you HAVE to smile...

Speaking of the French, I'll bet that they won't be happy that a vacation resort is being built near Berchtesgaden, Germany - and yes, it's being built near the site of Hitler's "Eagle's Nest" retreat (specifically it's being built where Reichsminister Goering's summer residence once stood.) Actually, it's a shame that it hasn't been developed until now - take it from me, the view is astounding and the surroundings are absolutely beautiful.

Hmm, the Brits are almost as wacky as the Japanese anymore. Don't think so? Then take a look at the new standard contract for the Cardiff City Football Association which states, among other items, that the signer must "must have a physical liaison with a sheep; also he will eat sheep's testicles." Just plain weird...

For Addy. Yesterday, July 2^nd, 2001, Liverpool Airport in England was officially renamed "Liverpool John Lennon Airport." I can see her whining about wanting souveniers from there already.

Do you love those "pop-under" ads as much as I do? Did you just know that when the X-10 site became the #5 destination because of those ads they'd be the "next big thing?" Convinced that nothing could ever be quite as annoying? Think again and watch out for your first shoshkele which claims to "reach the right target, at the right time with the right message." Yah - which is why this Showtime ad for a pay-per-view boxing match plays over top of this encyclopedia entry for "Boxing Day" - a holiday which has nothing to do with pugilism - and effectively obscures your ability to read the material. Strangely, they also say that "this technology does not require plug-ins, and there is no discernable download for users" and yet you must have Flash installed and the download is painfully obvious.

Who should really should have been fired? The moron who hired this guy!